If I were In a Resident Evil
by Slave of Death
Summary: Have you ever wondered what would happen if I were in a Resident Evil game? No? Me neither. Anyways I was bored one night so I wrote this...Don't look at me like that...I'm sane I tell you!!


If I were in A Resident Evil (Biohazard if you're Japanese ;p)  
  
Authors note: Do you ever wonder what would happen if I was in a Resident Evil game? You haven't? Well neither have I but I figured I might as well write about it. Shut up… Do not mock me!!!  
  
  
In the small town of Silent Hill...wait a minute...lemme start over.  
In the small town of Raccoon City (yes that's right. A small town that happens to be a city) a very mean corporation called Umbrella has released a virus that turns people into zombies. Not just zombies, but HUNGRY zombies. Hungry for BRAINS!!! MY brains! Well, it seems that Umbrella also created some pretty weird stuff like Lickers, an inside-out monsters with a huge tongue (not as good as it sounds ladies). Well I've been writing this for a while now and chances are this city is gonna blow up in the end so this is pretty pointless.  
  
I took the paper out of the antique typewriter and checked around the room. I was in a bar. Neely's Bar...wait this isn't Silent Hill...stupid me. Well anyway, I was in some kind of bar. I ran in here at first sign of a female zombie. This wouldn't be to hard if I were a necrophiliac. I wasn't however so I guess I would just have to kick some undead ass. I said kick right? Phew. For a second there I thought I said kiss. What? Stop looking at me like that. Anyways, I left my little note on the bar and slowly opened the backdoor. There were five zombie dogs but I could take them. I ran head on into the pack but then noticed that I had no weapon. I jumped over them and ran, screaming like a little baby....I mean...I fought bravely and kicked their asses somehow. Don't ask how.  
After a while I found what appeared to be a shotgun. I checked the chamber when BAM!! It fired and blew off my foot. Oh don't worry. It was my left foot, the one I don't use. I continued on until I found a door that I had a feeling I would have to go through. I checked it and said to myself: "The door seems to be locked. I can't open it without a key" Just my luck huh? After failing at trying to open the locked metal door I stubbed my toe on the doormat. "God Bless this (key under mat) Mess. Hmm...I wonder if there's a spare key under that doormat." I said. I picked up the mat and to my surprise there was one. I tired it in the lock but it still wouldn't open. Upon further inspection of the key I noticed that it said "NOT THIS DOOR DUMBASS" on it. I guess it belonged to another door. I swallowed the key for safekeeping; after all it could be of some use later down the line.  
I walked down the street, singing to myself, when-  
AUTHORS NOTE: Okay this is going nowhere. The middle part of the story is pretty boring anyway. I just meet a scuba diver, crash a truck into an adult book store, smack around some crazy Canadian girl that keeps saying "Aboot" and "Sawry", and well....just piss off the world.  
  
"Self Destruct Sequence Activated" The loud female voice boomed through the halls of yet another of Umbrella's underground facilities. This one was in the sky...Huh?! SKY!! OH NO!!! NOT THE CLOUDS! THEY'RE OUT TO KILL ME! JUST LIKE ET!!! I SWEAR TO GOD! ... Um...just ignore that stuff. Especially if you're a government official. Heh heh.  
The voice came on and I got up. "Finally" I said to myself. I had been waiting be the escape pod for hours. Just waiting to here that voice. I got on the Elephant, pressed a few buttons and was riding out of the facility. I felt a large bump as I was escaping. "It must be some crazy boss monster!" I whispered. I climbed down the back of the still running Elephant and checked inside him. Sure enough there was the biggest baddest boss you had ever seen. I won't describe him because then you would know what I see everyday as I walk down the roads. I withdrew my sword and it withdrew it's. Together, inside the bowels of the escape pod (a.k.a. Elephant) we fought. Swords clashed and banged. Blood was spilled. Some kind a sticky bile was vomited (I was really sick that day). In the end I defeated the crazy boss by cutting off it head (not that one pervert!).  
"Zach! I need you back at the Justice Station!" It was Death. The voice echoed in my mind. "Sure thing." A thought back to him. Together me and the Elephant rode to the Justice Station, deep in the bowels of Hell. (Whats with all the bowel talk?)  
"Yes Death" I said.  
"Zach, Cellulite-Man and Volcano Girl have gone missing. It's up to you and your Elephant to help them! Go!"  
BA-NA-NA-NA-NA-NA-NA-NA-NAAAAA (cheesy 70's super hero show music)  
  
And off me and my Elephant went, into the sunset, to rescue Cellulite-Man and Volcano Girl.  
  
The End (for now!) 


End file.
